When my anger toward God became the doorway to understanding Him.
In February of 2019, something happened that changed the entire course of my life.
But the truth is, the transformation didn’t begin with peace.
It began with anger.
At forty-six years old, I was deeply frustrated with religion. My parents were still using religion as a form of control in my life, and it hurt more than I could express. What had once been presented as faith now felt like fear. What had once been presented as love now felt like obligation.
And inside, I felt empty.
I remember asking myself questions that many people are afraid to speak aloud:
What is the point of all this?
Is God sitting somewhere laughing at humanity?
Is there even a God at all… or is God just something religion created to control people?
These thoughts were not polite prayers.
They were cries from a wounded heart.
One day, about a week before everything changed, I reached a breaking point. I was alone, overwhelmed, and I finally shouted toward heaven with everything inside me.
“God, if you are real, help me!
It is your job to help me, so help me!
There has got to be more than this.
What do you want from me?
What do you want me to do?”
Then, after my outburst, another thought crossed my mind.
“Lord… please don’t strike me down.”
He didn’t.
Instead, something remarkable happened.
He answered.
And He answered in the most natural way possible.
The Unexpected Messenger
About a week later, my brother stopped by my house.
This was not unusual. He had come over a thousand times before. Nothing about the visit seemed extraordinary at first.
But as he was leaving, he said something that would quietly change my life.
“Sis, I came across a video on YouTube called God and I Are One by a man named Neville Goddard. You’ve got to hear this lesson.”
Then he walked out the door and added:
“Go find that video and listen to it.”
Normally, I would not have done it.
But that night in February of 2019 was different.
I went into my room, got ready for bed, pulled up the video, and let it play as I lay there in the quiet.
Within minutes I knew something profound was happening.
It was a game changer.
Trying to Prove Him Wrong
Neville Goddard was a spiritual teacher who wrote and lectured from the 1940s through the early 1970s. His teachings centered on what he called The Law and The Promise.
The Law: that imagination creates reality.
The Promise: that humanity will ultimately awaken to its divine identity as the sons and daughters of God.
At first, I didn’t simply accept his teachings.
I tried to prove him wrong.
I went straight to the Bible.
I read scripture after scripture, searching for contradictions to what Neville was teaching. I examined everything carefully, expecting to find flaws in his interpretation.
But something surprising happened.
Instead of disproving Neville, the scriptures began confirming what he was saying.
Over and over again.
The Beginning of My Spiritual Journey
Once that door opened, I stepped fully into the search.
I read the Bible more deeply than I ever had before. Some of the books that spoke most powerfully to me were:
Genesis
Daniel
The Gospel of John
Romans
Revelation
But the exploration didn’t stop there.
My curiosity expanded beyond traditional scripture.
I began reading ancient texts and spiritual writings from many traditions:
The Book of Enoch
The Book of Jasher
The Nag Hammadi Scriptures
The Kybalion
Each text added another layer of understanding.
And one book in particular shook me to my core.
The Kybalion.
Its explanation of universal laws and the nature of mind illuminated something I had sensed but could not yet articulate.
Slowly, piece by piece, the puzzle began to come together.
The Law and the Promise
Neville Goddard’s teachings revealed something both simple and profound:
The divine presence we search for outside of ourselves has always been within us.
The kingdom of heaven is not a distant location.
It is a state of consciousness.
The Bible was not merely history.
It is a psychological and spiritual drama unfolding within every human being.
When Neville spoke about The Promise, something inside me resonated deeply.
I wanted that awakening.
I wanted to understand the truth behind existence.
And that desire launched a journey that continues to this very moment.
Arriving at Christ Consciousness
Looking back now, I can see that what began as anger toward God was actually the beginning of a deeper relationship with the divine.
My cry for help was not rejected.
It was answered.
Not with thunder.
Not with lightning.
But with a quiet moment in my bedroom and a YouTube lecture from a man who had passed away decades earlier.
That moment opened the door to a spiritual awakening that has shaped every part of my life.
Today, I understand something I did not understand then:
The journey was never about finding God somewhere outside of myself.
It was about remembering the divine presence within.
It was about awakening to what I describe as Christ Consciousness.
And in many ways…
My journey is only just beginning.
A Quiet Reflection
Sometimes we think our anger toward God separates us from Him.
But I have learned something different.
Even our questions, our doubts, and our cries of frustration can become doorways to truth.
Because the divine is not afraid of our honesty.
Sometimes that honesty is exactly what opens the path.
Looking back now, I realize something profound:
the moment I thought I was losing my faith was actually the moment my soul began remembering the truth.
-Toinyette
I AM a living expression of the Divine.
I AM guided, protected, and awakening.
I AM remembering who I truly am.
Toinyette's Journey 
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